I stay sober for just one weekend and the entire world falls apart.
Your favorite screw up (me) just got dumped this morning. Don’t ask me how or why… the whole thing still hasn’t been illuminated enough yet for me to see the whole thing. Short version: the now ex-girlfriend got tireed of my "bullshit". It was ugly. My side of the story? That’s exactly the problem, so the prudent and time conserving thing to do is shut up and take the blame, of which at least I partly deserve, and set aside the million valid rebuttals I had. With the way she sounded, none of which would get her back anyways. I knew this was coming, things were just going too good, and the other shoe was just dying to be dropped. Right now, I’m sad, confused, paranoid (big surprise), and very thirsty (will wonders never cease?). So now, I’m single once again.
I remember the first time I got my then healthy heart broken. It was in 1998, I was a college freshman and unknowingly months before the biggest personality transplant I’ve undergone (and there have been many) in my life. The girl in question was the first of many that would dash my dreams of a fairy tale coexistence with the one true love of my life. (I’m a hopeless romantic. So go fuck yourselves.) She laughed when I professed my undying affection for seemingly three reasons: 1.) I wrote the whole damn thing on graphing paper (Yeah, nice one Hector, oh guru of love. Where the hell are you anyway?), 2.) She just really didn’t want anything to do with me, (for obvious reasons) and 3.) I’m not entirely sure about this, but they say she was into that whole lesbian thing. Ah, the sting of the first unrequited love.
Another big deal heartbreak (the biggest deal) would be another incident involving another letter and more laughter. Those who’ve been around me long enough would know what I’m talking about. That night, but the shit hit the fan, I was just lower than rock bottom. It took only the more than admirable efforts of Albert, Lienne, Resty and Lorna to pull me out of that one. "Five years of love turned into two minutes of trash" Bert said. You win some, you lose some. And I always lose big. But I won bigger that night.
Why do these two events come to mind right now? Because at a young age, those events were totally devastating. For a kid like me, whose world was just well within the confines of my geekiness and borderline alcoholism, there wasn’t anything worse than me offering my utmost affection and have it thrown back to my face with scorn and disdain.
And now, after giving any hope of finding love (even renouncing relationships), the girlfriend came, saw, conquered and kicked my ass. No regrets, of course. I knew this wasn’t going to be painless. She made me happy, and if there was a way to make things right without compromising my principles I would.
Right now, I’m in pain. You win. Right now, I set myself up for a fall and fell. Hard. Right now, I have only myself, the remnants of my past life in the form of my friends, and my substance abuse.
Ah, beer. Love me, feed me, never leave me.
